Saturday, September 1, 2012

This Week In Whiskey's Guide to: Keeping Yourself Occupied While all your Friends are at PAX

1. Follow dozens of relevant blogs

    You might not actually be there, but nothing says you still can’t be a douchey, know-it-all. Take a break from bashing your head against your refrigerator in a fit of regret and self-loathing to get up-to-the-minute news, interviews and photos from everyone who’s having more fun than you this weekend.

2. Clean your apartment.

    Although living in abject squalor in an attempt to recreate the familiar “Con Funk” in your own home may be tempting, why not shake the Cheeto dust out of your bed sheets and get something productive done today? Put, your sad, pathetic loneliness to good use and clean up your shitty studio. All your friends may be at PAX having the time of their lives, but at least you can have a habitable place to not get laid in.

3. Eat an entire DiGiorno Stuffed Crust Frozen Pizza.

    Go ahead, eat your feelings. There’s no one around to judge you. Besides, chances are your friends are choking down worse garbage from the concession stand. Of course they’re also up to their elbows in cool PAX swag and you’re sitting at home, silently weeping at your Twitter feed. So you might as well grab a bottle of Sriracha and your bong and start filling the void in your soul with cheesy, crusty goodness.

4. Have a one person cosplay party.

    Sure, on the surface this suggestion might seem like the ultimate sad sack, forever alone pity party, but think of it this way: Drake Laser, steampunk vampire hunter, has way bigger problems than not having a PAX pass. I mean, what if his zeppelin breaks down or his painted nerf gun misfires when he’s under attack from chubby, corseted vampiresses? Forget your troubles through the power of self delusion.... I mean imagination.

5. Drink copiously

    It should come as no surprise that we here at This Week in Whiskey are ardent supporters of using alcohol as a solution to most of life’s problems. So go ahead, get ripped. I mean really fucking tore up. Best to do this alone in your apartment/zeppelin as you surely don’t want to try and go out to any bars and find yourself reminded of all the cool after parties you weren’t invited to. None of us want a repeat of last year’s Master Chief helmet/booth babe/nacho cheese incident.

That’s all for now kiddies. Hope all of you (bastards) who made it out to PAX are having a blast and to all you who couldn’t make it; try not to kill yourself, there’s always next year.